Monday, December 2, 2013

3 Months Old!

It's been a while since I've made a post.  A most unfortunate incident occurred where someone happened on my blog and stole some of my pictures for nefarious purposes and I've been nervous to make an update.  However, I decided I will continue posting updates on my little lovely if it provides hope to even one family in the world who is feeling a little hopeless.

Preston is now 3 and a half months old!  It's unbelievable how time flies.  He is keeping up with tradition and is already rolling from front to back AND back to front!  His older brother was a baby on the move too, and was crawling (dragging) by 5 months old.  I'm so proud of each milestone he reaches.  He is not sleeping through the night yet, but he is being transitioned from bed sharing and bassinet to bed sharing and play pen.  We are hoping to move all of the kids around so that Preston can have his own room in January.  It does mean moving my two oldest kids together in a room, but that's a whole other issue.

Here are some pictures I'd like to share.


He's a little "milk drunk"


My happy boy!


A friend inspired photo - He sure knows how to party like a baby!


My super hero, overcoming all the odds!


Saturday, August 24, 2013

Preston Robert Johnson - August 19, 2013

Preston Robert Johnson
Born August 19, 2013 at 3:22 pm
7 lbs 1/2 oz - 20 inches long



First off, everyone is healthy and happy, and the IUD did not cause any problems!  Now, on to my birth story.

I had been having a week of prodromal labour.  It was very aggravating, but a necessary part of the birth process.  On Saturday, August 10th, I had come down with a head cold.  True to history, no one else in my house got the cold, just me.  Yet somehow, when I saw my OB on that Monday, I managed to convince him to strip my membranes.  We discussed induction some more, and he told me that since he was going on vacation for two weeks starting the next week, I should schedule it for either Friday or the following Monday.  I know that there are many schools of thoughts as to why induction can be viewed as a negative thing, but in this case, I very much wanted my OB to deliver Preston.  Considering the potential list of problems previously mentioned in my blog, I thought it would be prudent to be delivered by my own OB who is very familiar with the history of my IUD and the problems that could be associated with a vaginal birth.  I set up an appointment to see him first thing on Friday morning, hoping that the membrane sweep would start early labour.

The next day, I started having cramping, timeable contractions, and diarrhea.  Over the next two days, my diarrhea and contractions were intense and coming hand-in-hand.  I even ended up going to L&D since I was convinced that I was in early labour.  When I was there, I was told that I was progressing, but not enough to be admitted.  But they assumed they would see me by the next morning.  The next morning came and went, still no labour.  I felt horrible.  No fever, but my head cold caused me to leave a trail of tissues around the house, and I felt like I was spending half my days on the toilet.  I'll save you the gory details, but suffice to say, many people, including a doctor, told me that I was in early labour and that sometimes early labour makes you feel like crap.

On Friday morning, I had all of my support systems on standby.  My mom was already at my house watching my two kids, my birth coach was waiting to get in the car to meet me at the hospital, and my husband was nervously putting my bags in the car.  But as soon as my OB looked at me, he told me I was too sick to be induced.  I tried to tell him I wasn't sick, it was labour making me feel horribly, but he stuck firm and told me that I was far too sick to be induced, that it would be a danger to the baby, and I should take the weekend to recover.  Then he booked me in to the hospital for 8 am Monday morning.  I got in the car and cried because I thought having him would magically make me feel well.  Then I spent the rest of the weekend recovering from the double whammy cold/tummy bug I didn't want to admit that I had.

Monday morning finally came around, and I was feeling much better.  Despite my illnesses, I still progressed to 2 cms and quite effaced.  He never told me a number, but he told me my cervix was soft and ready for induction.  At 9:30 am, the nurse started me on an IV drip of Oxytocin and my OB broke my waters.  My husband and I joked around and waited as the contractions slowly got stronger and the Oxy got slowly turned up.  My birth coach arrived around noon, just as the contractions stopped being easy and started to become more serious.  I have to say that I am very happy that not one single hospital staff offered me an epidural.  They all knew my wishes to do it without pain medication, despite the induction medicine.

I'm not sure of the timing from here on until he was born.  At one point, sitting in the rocking chair wasn't helping anymore, sitting on the birth ball was out of the question, but walking to the bathroom/standing felt good.  Unfortunately, Preston's heart rate was dropping with each contraction, and the monitors were reading my contractions backwards.  I was asked to find a less mobile position.  I chose to lay down on my left side on the bed.  It helped progress my other two medicated births, so I assumed it would help again.  Boy, was I right!  As predicted by my OB, once I got to 6 cms dilated, I was on what felt like a runaway train.  The Oxy was turned down and my body took over.  I remember a few things, but not all.  I remember:

  • thinking I was going to throw up
  • crying
  • telling my birth coach to stop touching me, then yelling at her to massage me again
  • the nurse telling me to let her know if it felt like I had to poop
  • screaming at the nurse that I had to poop nonsensically
  • screaming about poop some more
  • being told to roll onto my back and grab behind my knees
  • telling them there's no fucking way I can do that
  • moaning and yelling like I was being torn apart by zombies
  • being told to calm down and focus
  • then pushing him out in three pushes during one contraction that felt like it lasted until Christmas
Then the most amazing thing happened.  I gave birth to new life.  I heard him cry.  He was put on my belly and I just stared at him in awe and probably a little shock.  A minute later, while I was chatting with my new little guy, my OB pulled my placenta out.  He announced that the IUD was in the placenta, and everything came out perfectly!  I think I said something along the lines of, "Good!  It was a useless piece of shit."  And everyone laughed.

Warning: GRAPHIC PHOTOS AHEAD

When I was first pregnant with an IUD, I googled the hell out of IUD and placenta, and only found one photo.  That photo was accused of being fake since the strings on the IUD were as long as they are before they are clipped after insertion.  I would like to post my amazing photos of my IUD embedded in the placenta.  The first photo was what it looked like at first, the second photo is what it looked like as my OB was cutting it out.  The third photo is how my IUD looked after it was removed from the placenta.





They let me take my IUD home as a souvenir.  It's in a sealed medical cup on my dresser right now.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it yet, but it's there, and not still in me or hurting him in anyway.  And for that I am thankful.  I am so thankful that I don't know how to even express it in words right now without feeling like I'm going to turn into a blubbering mess of postpartum hormones.  So instead, I am going to photo-bomb you with pictures of him.




Now that my IUD baby is born, I don't know what I will do with this blog yet.  In the meantime, if you have stumbled on my blog and have any questions, feel free to contact me via email.  Even if it's years later, hopefully my email address will still work and I can help you in any way that I can.  The fear and uncertainty of being told you are pregnant with an IUD is scary, and I know full well that the internet it full of people coming to terms with loss, more often than success and health.  I hope that this blog and my story will help provide comfort and hope to someone else who may start to feel like the odds are against their little fetus.  Because there are some happy endings!  And Preston is one of them.

shannon.johnson@shayztar.com

P.S. I want to thank my awesome support systems who were there for me during this trying and magical time in my life.  Thank you to my Moose Crew (FBDLA13), my husband, my mom, my birth coach, my closest girlfriends (you know who you are!) and most of all my two kids.  I know I may have been hard to handle at times over the past 9 months, between my mood swings and the emotional roller coaster of carrying a baby and an IUD at the same time.  But everything turned out for the best, and now it's time to settle into our new normal!.  Also thank you to my OB for being so straightforward and yet still very caring.  With his ability to overly explain things, I always felt I knew what was going on and what to expect.  And thanks to my ultrasound tech for being the first soft place for me to fall.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

So many appointments, so little time

It's been a busy few weeks!  I've seen my OB, had two ultrasounds, chatted with an anesthetist, and had some more blood taken.  Being pregnant with an IUD is serious business!

Let's start with this:


Mr. Preston at very nearly 34 weeks!  I still think the poor kid has got his dad's nose.  He weighed in at just over 4 lbs in this picture.  Then the next day, while I was doing a poor attempt at potty-training his older brother, I got up from the couch for the 50th time to help clean a potty when I felt a gush of fluid and saw a wet spot on the couch.  Since this isn't my first rodeo, I didn't panic.  I put on a pad, and went about my day.  An hour later, the pad wasn't soaked through, so I let it go.  Then something amazing happened.  My mom took the kids for a few days!  Just as she promised, as long as I drove them up to the cottage, I could start going to my appointments alone.

I saw my OB on this Monday morning, and I asked him in passing what a fluid leak is like.  When I told him what happened, he did not take it as lightly as I did.  In fact, I think he even looked quite annoyed.  He said that under the circumstances, I should have at least called him, or gone into L&D to be checked for fluid levels.  Since I haven't had any moments of leaking like that since, I was allowed to go home, but with the promise to get another ultrasound as soon as possible to check on fluid levels.  My OB is going on vacation in two weeks, so I will have to have my 36 week check up at 35 weeks.  Then see him again at 37 weeks.  I'm not happy to be missing a week, but even OBs need time off!

The next day, I had an appointment with an anesthetist to talk about my previous epidural headache and fears about needles should I need serious medical intervention during this IUD birth.  He was a very nice man, and he told me two very important things.  First, the needles that they use during a c-section is very fine and almost never causes an epidural headache.  The body can heal the puncture spot very quickly, as opposed to an accidental puncture with an epidural needle, which is a much bigger gauge of needle.  The second thing was that the lady who did injure me could have warned me it was going to happen.  If there is a 1 in 100 chance to be punctured, then there is a 1 in 2 chance that it will turn into a headache.  But this anesthetist told me that the subsequent days following birth could/should have been treated differently.  I could have gotten the blood patch right away, maybe spend an extra night in the hospital.  But there's no dwelling on what could have happened.  He was very surprised that my headache lasted so long, alluding to it being possible that I had a very large hole in my spinal cord.  In the end, I left his office feeling less panicked about the possibility of needing a spinal.  I still don't want another epidural though.

Then the next day after that, I went for my fluid level check ultrasound.  Unfortunately, I couldn't see Melinda.  There is a new technician.  She is very nice, but professional, and doesn't have any bedside manner.  I know Melinda is the exception to the rule!  But at least the new lady is very thorough.  She showed me a close up of Preston's penis, which was great because Melinda wouldn't.  She also showed me several different angles of the IUD.  I tried to trick her into giving me a picture of the IUD, but she wouldn't bite.  She told me that Preston is approximately 5 lbs now.  That's one whole pound in one whole week!  No wonder I felt like my life force was being drained.  It probably was, in order to have a growth spurt like that.  On average, a baby gains half a pound a week until birth from here on out.  At this rate, I'll be having a 10 pound or heavier baby!  Which is not likely, since my first was 6.5 lbs, my second 7.5 lbs.  I was hoping for no bigger than 8.5 lbs.  Here's hoping he comes a little early so that he doesn't snap me in half!  But it won't be any time soon.  The ultrasound tech also told me that my fluid levels are perfect and my cervix is still closed.  I also got another picture, but he's been perfectly head down for weeks now, and he's so big that she couldn't get a nice face shot.  I got a face forward shot that resembles the Terminator, and an adorable picture of his fist.

In the meantime, my blood levels are not just good, but in the normal range.  But my OB said that he's not much concerned about that now.  The platelet levels have actually been going up!  That being said, I will have to have them tested as soon as I get to L&D at any point.

I have another appointment with my OB on Monday.  I won't be taking the kids to my mom this time since she will be taking them for a full week this coming Friday.  It's been planned since March!  I missed them dearly for the 3 nights they were up north this past week, but it was also nice to have my sanity for those few days.  They came back home with a few new habits that I've been working on reversing, but having a little "me time" was more than worth it.  I spent some time with friends, old and new, and even got my hair and toes done.  Which is good, because I can't reach my toes anymore!

Here's hoping that the week the munchkins are with Nana, I will finally get my new used minivan.  I never thought I would be so excited to buy a minivan.  But since Preston won't be getting his own room until he's ready to sleep on his own, I don't have a nursery to nest in.  No sense in moving my son out of his room and into my daughter's just to leave it empty.  I have already washed baby clothes and created a little space in my room for his clean baby stuff.  But I am missing a few things that my dear husband won't buy for the baby until we get a cheque we've been waiting for.  I've been waiting for.  For the past 2 months.  Sigh.

As for my last post, I'm sorry it was so emotional.  I guess I'm allowed that a little since it is my blog, and I am a pregnant woman ruled by hormones!  But for those of you who have asked me, no, I haven't had any resolution with either woman.  I guess so much time has passed that it feels awkward to make contact.  I suggested space.  I feel that if I reached out, I would be made to feel I have to apologize, again.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I have been changed in many ways

There have been a few times in my life where something so serious has happened that it inertly changed who I am and how I interact with the world.

* My parent's separation
* My ex getting physical with me in anger
* My mother being diagnosed with cancer
* Giving birth to my daughter
* My postpartum depression
* Getting pregnant with an IUD

With the exception of birthing my daughter, all of these life events were something that happened out of my control.  It caused me to review how I related to the world and how the world relates to me.  Each impacted me differently.  In some ways I see now, but in some ways I may never see.  One thing they all have in common is that at first, I was very angry.  In the end, something inside of me changed.  Some things that seemed very important before suddenly seemed less so.

Until very recently, I think I was pretty mad about getting pregnant out of my control.  One of my less tactful family members asked me at a birthday party last night if I was doing okay with things.  When I said I was, he said, "Oh good, because you were pretty mad about this pregnancy the last time I saw you."  I denied it, but I thought about it all last night, and now I'm pretty sure he's right.  I wasn't angry with my baby, I was angry that my life has changed so drastically but fate didn't even ask my opinion.

Choosing to have a baby is a very personal and major life decision.  A lot of thought and planning should go into it.  Perhaps it's just my way doing things.  Before I had kids, I religiously ate my birth control pills, and the few times I knew it wasn't effective (missed one, or on antibiotics) I would use a condom.  If I did not want to get pregnant, if it wasn't a good time, I used birth control to prevent it.  Paying for and going through the hassle of getting an IUD was what I considered to be a grown-up form of birth control.  I religiously checked the strings after each period.  I did what was asked of me, and medical science failed me.  I guess I was angry.  I did my best to keep most of my anger to myself, but I know some of it spilled out.  There were many times over the last 6 months where I asked people for help, I asked people for support, I asked people to take it easy on me since I was going through something I couldn't quite articulate.  Most people did that for me.  Some people even provided more support than I needed.  And some people have planned to be there for me in the coming months until Preston is born.

A couple of incidents have happened to me recently.  Both involving women whom I considered close to me.  I am unsure why, but both of these women felt it necessary to tell me how I should act, and became extremely upset when I didn't bend to them and act the way they thought I should.  I know I am still sorting through some of what happened, but I know that my current outlook on life is contributing to the fact that I am not seeking them out to heal the relationships.  Just as I know that their outlook on life allows them to think they can dictate how people act around them.

Until my OB stopped worrying about the IUD, I realized just how stressed out I was about it.  I thought I was putting on a brave face, showing everyone how happy I was about the pregnancy, how little concern I had.  I think most people bought it.  Except my cousin, apparently.  Ha.  These days, I can constantly feel the baby and take a pretty experienced guess at what body part is poking me.  I understand that if the IUD breaks my waters or hurts the placenta, Preston will survive out in the real world.  Even if he lives in a NICU for the first month of his life.  Now, for the first time in 30 weeks, I am truly enjoying my pregnancy.

I wish that the women who aren't speaking to me would have a better understanding that they cannot change me.  Friendships and relationships should not be governed with rules and regulations.  But should a change be necessary, accusations and generalizations will lead to bad feelings and possibly contempt.  This is not something a pregnant woman, despite how the pregnancy occurred, should have to endure.  I know that these women have lost relationships and friendships in the past for the same reasons.  Perhaps they surround themselves with women who are so strong they would rather break than bend?  Maybe they choose to bring up issues only when these strong woman are at a weak point?  I don't know.  What I do know is that it is more important for me to focus on positivity and light right now.  I have an unexpected miracle in my tummy, and this is the last two months before my daughter enters kindergarten and therefore the outside world.  I want to have a great summer, and I don't think I should have to endure stress and uncertainty from people who should be a part of that positivity and light.  Maybe this should be said to these women and not my blog, however I don't believe that they are in a mindset to listen without defense.  Maybe one day they will take the time to see the situation from my point of view.  I did enough reflection to see that I was difficult to handle.  I'm unsure how many times I should apologize and be told it's not enough before it's time for them to see where they contributed to our current situations too.  To quote the insufferable Dr. Phil, "No matter how flat you make a pancake, it still had two sides."

This blog entry has been very therapeutic for me.  If you took the time to read it, thank you.  I know some of it doesn't directly relate medically to my IUD pregnancy, but it sure does relate in a psychological way.  Just as much as I was sensitive to how people reacted to my news of the higher-risk pregnancy, I feel that if a woman becomes pregnant with an IUD, she is allowed to pull her circle of support in close to her without having to fear that she is being too hard to handle.

31 weeks!!

I know it's been a while since my last update.  I'm half ashamed since I promised to keep things up to date here for any one who is going thru the same situation, but the other half of me is happy, because it means there's not much to have to report!

I had one more ultrasound, everything still looked great.  IUD was still in the fundus of my uterus.  Baby was growing spot on in the 50% for everything.  My OB told me that he's now feeling so confident in my situation right now that he doesn't care for me to have another monthly scan.  He does want one more ultrasound before my due date, just to be certain everything is still the same.  I also got to skip this month's blood test since my platelet count was so good at my gestational diabetes test.  But next month I'll have to go every week until delivery.

Something interesting to note is that my OB offered me to have a meeting with an anesthetist, just in case I wanted to talk to someone about pain relief this time around.  My OB knows I want a natural and drug-free birth, but I wonder if he has no faith in me.  I declined the offer, but a part of me wants to meet with one, even if just to ask some questions about what already happened, not necessarily about future use of an epidural.  I'm seeing my OB bi-weekly now, so maybe I'll ask again next week.

We picked a name for our little man!  It meets all of the criteria we set out.  It doesn't start with an S, like our other two children, it can't really be shortened, and it's not terribly popular.

Preston Robert Johnson!

That's all for now.  I have a few other things I'd like to write about, but they are only indirectly related to my pregnancy.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

I'm still pregnant with an IUD


I have a new update about my IUD pregnancy!  Here's a lot of reading if you aren't already up-to-date with my situation.

Part one: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/pregnant-with-iud.html
Part two: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/time-to-enjoy.html
Part three: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/02/iud-pregnancy-update.html
Part four: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/03/time-for-another-update.html

Since the last blog entry, I've had another ultrasounds and a couple more OB appointments.  I didn't rush to update here because everything is still exactly the same.  Thank God and everything else involved in helping me out.  The IUD is still at the top of my uterus, and every time I see my OB he loves telling me that he is less and less concerned.  He said that the IUD appears to be pinned between my amniotic sac and uterus now, and I might be relieved from pelvic rest soon.

In other news, I have hired a doula to help with with birth support.  I am very excited!  I decided to choose a doula instead of a midwife because I have too many medical issues involved with giving birth that I didn't want to involve another medical person.  I haven't mentioned before, but I have a borderline blood condition called Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura,or ITP for short.  Sounds nasty, doesn't it?  It's basically low platelets in the blood.  My platelets hover right around the level where it could cause a problem.  But has never actually dipped low enough while pregnant to cause a problem.  The impact is that my baby might have low platelets when born (because of me), which means that the delivering doctor will never be allowed to use
a vacuum on the baby's head.  It would kill the baby (shudder) because the baby wouldn't have enough platelets to repair the bleeding in it's head and that would cause bleeding in the brain.  If they are too low I can't have an epidural either.  This time I don't want one, so I don't care.  Because of all of this, I have to get monthly blood tests, then bi-weekly, closer to birth in order to verify any trends.  My OB has delivered my other babies, and he is very familiar with my medical issues, including the IUD.

I went off topic there, sorry.  So, I hired a doula.  It's very exciting for me because I want a natural drug-free birth this time around.  If you are curious why, I have previously posted a blog about my epidural headache.  After the headache, I started seeing a massage therapist for help working free the scar tissue between my spine vertebrae.  I even let her do acupuncture on me.  It was amazing.  I have been seeing her for regular, insurance covered massages ever since.  I would like to think that her and I have become friends.  After I found out that I was pregnant, my friend had a dream that I had a boy, and that she was in the delivery room standing beside me.  She told me that I had the most amazing smile on my face.  I thought that was very sweet.  A few weeks later, I told her I was researching doulas, and she gave me some advice.  I asked her how she knew so much, and she reminded me that her massage specialty is prenatal massage, with birth support.  She told me this before, but I put it out of my head because, well, I wasn't ever planning on having another baby.  She told me she is technically not a doula because she didn't take the weekend course required to get the certification.  But she did some of her interning at a hospital, and she works with the Mennonites in her area.  Since all I am looking for is someone to rub my back, remind me of breathing, and make me laugh, I think she would be perfect for the job!  And as she nicely reminded me after I told her I wanted her to be there for birth, "who better than the person who rehabbed you from your epidural injury to remind you why you don't want another epidural."  Too right!

When I told my OB that I hired a doula, he made a pained face.  He told me that some doulas come into the delivery room acting like they have doctorates and start making decisions for the patient.  When I explained what I wanted her there for, and that I've known her for years, he broke out into a huge smile and told me that he would be perfectly happy having her in the room in a friend/support capacity.  He did tell me that she should not come into the hospital telling people she's a doula, because it causes problems with other staff too.  Holy red tape and silly politics.  But I get it.

Speaking of epidural, my OB wanted to tell me that if something happens in birth that requires an epidural, like an emergency c-section for example, then I will be left with no choice.  He also told me that since I am farther in the pregnancy now, he wanted to talk just a little bit about his concerns about the IUD post birth.  He said that if the IUD doesn't come out behind the baby, he says he might have to "fish around" for the strings, and that it might really hurt.  Eek!  Then he said that he hopes it comes out with the placenta.  His biggest concern is that it might break the placenta during birth, and leave some placenta inside that I won't be able to birth.  If that's the case, I would need surgery.  I asked him if he could just flat out put me out for that, and he said he could, but he didn't want to get into too many details yet.  He just wanted to give me a heads up.  He said the last situation is that everything comes out properly except for the IUD, but he didn't want to discuss that with me yet.  For goodness sake.  I have enough worries!  But I do know that if an IUD is embedded in a uterus, then a woman needs a laparoscopy surgery to have it surgically removed.

And for some GOOD NEWS!  After my anatomy scan, it has been confirmed...


We are very excited!  It makes the kids future sleeping arrangements very easy.  Now to think of a name.  This time I have to let my husband feel like he chose it since I named my other kids with little input from him. Fair's fair!

I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks.  By the time my baby is born, I am going to have a really cool collection of ultrasound progression pictures.

Thanks for reading!  Again, I am very happy to give any ray of hope to anyone in this same scary situation.  And thanks to all of my friends and family who read my blog after my post in the IUD and Pregnant Facebook support group splashed across everyone's newsfeed.  Your support and kind words have meant a lot to me.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Time for another update!

Time for another monthly update to my on-going IUD pregnancy!
Part one: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/pregnant-with-iud.html
Part two: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/time-to-enjoy.html
Part three: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/02/iud-pregnancy-update.html

Sorry for all of the links.  As of now, I am doing a monthly update.  At the end of August, I hope with all of my heart to be able to condense everything into one long happy ending story.

I had my 16 week ultrasound last week.  Just as I was formulating something to say in an update, the whole house came down with some yucky virus.  Sometimes I would rather everyone be sick at the same time, instead of this consecutive illnesses business where I lose a week's worth of solid sleep.  Not only did the kids get sick, but I got sick too.  I'm starting to think that round ligament pain is the devil's work.  Sneeze - OWWW!

Melinda remembered me by face this time.  I guess I am one of her more memorable patients these days.  She measured and checked, and asked me if my cyst pain is less.  She said that it has shrunk a little, thank goodness, but its not gone yet.  But because it's getting smaller, no one is really going to care much.  Then she asked me if I'm feeling the baby much yet.  Well, of course I am!  It's my third pregnancy and first posterior placenta pregnancy.  I can't feel the baby all day all the time yet.  Soon!  She then told me that the baby is now much bigger than the IUD, and the IUD is still in the same spot.  In her opinion, she doesn't see how it could move at this point.  It appears to be pressed right up against the uterine wall.  YAY!  Keep growing little baby!!  The baby is still measuring right on schedule, good solid heart beat.  She told me that I should bring my daughter with me to the next ultrasound.  I'm not sure...she's still 3 and would be more interested in opening cabinets than looking at an ultrasound machine.  It was a nice offer though.  And that was that.  Short and sweet.  Everyone knows what they are looking for, nothing has changed except the baby is bigger and stronger.  Then I treated myself to a delicious tuna melt for lunch before I went home.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see my OB this week.  This yucky virus kept me from leaving the house.  The receptionist offered to reschedule the next day, but since I am feeling the baby move every day, I decided to wait until my next regular appointment date.  She did tell me that the ultrasound results came back with no concerns and everything looking great.  However, next week I have to start getting blood taken regularly for my ITP condition.  (I have lower white blood cells than the normal person, but they are just borderline numbers.  It can cause problems in pregnancy, but hasn't in either of my pregnancies before, so I don't suspect it'll make a difference this time.)  That means monthly, then bi-weekly blood tests.  My poor veins!  I can't always give blood from my left arm, and sometimes not from my right arm.  The techs sometimes have to take it from my hands or wrists.  By the end of both of my pregnancies, I started looking like a rookie heroin user.

I've been feeling so confident about this pregnancy now that I officially announced it on Facebook last week! I wasn't sure I was going to because of the increased risks, and because of the stigma associated with having more than 2 babies.  But I can't help it!  I'm so happy to be having this little miracle baby!  This is what I posted:


I was very pleased with the response!  Some people made their own special congratulations to their news feeds, and a couple of my cousins unexpectedly shared my photo.  It made me feel so very special and happy that other people want to share in our excitement.  However, I did not share the details of the IUD to the Facebook world.  I wouldn't really know how to do that anyway!  At this point, it doesn't really matter.  I will share that bit of information to those I feel comfortable telling.  I guess it's not different than sharing gestational diabetes or a cerclage.  It's no one's business, right?  Besides, I already know what it's like having to shoulder other people's reactions to the risk.  I'm not that interested in doing that unless I have to.

I forgot to mention one last thing.  Though I have to wait until 19 or 20 weeks for a true anatomy scan, Melinda did tell me what she thought the gender is...Interested in knowing?

It's a BOY!


We are very excited!  We would be excited either way, but if it's a boy, it makes staying in our three-bedroom that much more easy.  That way the two youngest boys can share a room until we can afford a bigger house.  My daughter is a little disappointed.  She wanted a sister.  But I think she is the type of girl who will do better ruling two brothers instead of fighting with a sister.

I would like to finish this post by saying a great big thank you to all of the ladies from BabyCenter who have read my blog.  The lovely words of encouragement and comfort have meant more than I can explain.  And I am also very happy that my words have provided inspiration to other women going through the same situation as me.  All of you strong mamas should know how awesome you are for choosing the life of your baby over the risks to yourself, and the stress and uncertainty will all be worth it when after all of this is over we are all holding our beautiful bundles of joy.  Also, my heart goes out to all of the mamas who have lost their babies due to an IUD failure.  If you lost your baby, you live in the US, and you had a Mirena, please look into the class action suit being launched.  I'm sorry to Paragard users.  That company crossed all their Ts and dotted their Is, so they can only be individually prosecuted.  It makes me sick, but it's true. There are also Facebook groups to join for more support.  https://www.facebook.com/IudAndPregnant

See you again after my anatomy scan in 3 weeks!  Here's hoping the baby will still be a boy!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

But I can't hear a baby crying

I thought I'd update about my daughter.  Shortly after that shocking incident on the street, I gave it some deep thought about why she was acting out.  Saving you my long train of thought, I came to the realization that she was reacting to the change of atmosphere in the house.  She may not have known with the change was, but she knew something was different.  The last time she acted out so strongly was when there was a murder-suicide a few houses up in October and the street was a mess of cops and looky-loos and media.  Oh the constant media attention the surviving wife craved.  Crazy, I know, since I live in a very nice upper middle class neighbourhood.  Only this time my daughter was reacting to my stress about the baby.

I had put my son to bed for nap and sat with her on her bed.  I asked her if she liked being a good big sister to her brother.  She said she's a very good big sister.  I asked her if she wanted to be a big sister to another baby.  She looked confused, so I patted my tummy and told her there is a baby in there.  Her eyes got bigger than saucers, and she quickly put her head on my tummy.  "But I can't hear a baby crying," she said.  I showed her with my fingers how big the baby was at the time.  She thought a baby that small was cuuuute.  I also showed her my latest ultrasound.  She finally understood.  I explained how the baby was making mommy feel sicky and sleepy, but that I would be feeling better soon.  She asked if the baby was making me nap in her bed.  Smart kid.

These days, she's talking about the baby all the time.  Though she is saying some disturbing things.  Like when I was lifting her to her time out spot on the stairs she started kicking at me.  I told her she can't kick, and that if she kicked the baby it might get hurt.  Various other times she's used my new baby bump to push herself off of my when she's done cuddling.  I warn her to be safety around my belly.  Very unfortunately, she interpreted that as making the baby dead.  I never said those words, but she knows how small the baby is, and she knows she can't kick or squish it.  I guess I can't stop her from putting that together.  I am now, however, regretting the damn gold fish that died.  I can't hide death from her, but I did tell her to stop talking about the baby being dead.  Especially in case something does happen.  I wouldn't want her to internalize that.

My daughter is acting a lot better.  She seems to have a much better grasp at what's going on around here now, and where I go when I leave her with the sitter for my appointments.  She now says she hopes it's a girl for her because she already has a brother.  She told me I can have another baby later to give Bubba a brother if he wants one.  What a nut!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

IUD Pregnancy Update

To start at the beginning go here: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/2013/01/pregnant-with-iud.html
Feel free to check out the rest of my blog here: http://shayztar.blogspot.ca/

This week I had another ultrasound.  It is originally meant to test for neural tube issues, however my main reason to go was to check on the baby.

I saw my lovely friend Melinda again.  She didn't remember me right away, but as soon as I said IUD, she turned and smiled. "Of course I remember you now."  Then she started the ultrasound.  As soon as she placed the wand on my belly she said, "yeah, this will be fast."  I liked the sounds of that.

She told me that the IUD hasn't moved, and that my cyst is likely to disappear in the next week or two.  The baby is measuring at exactly on time, and the heart beat is fabulous.  165 bpm.  What wonderful news.  She called my husband in and we both got to see the baby together.  Oh boy is it ever active!  No wonder I can already feel it.  It never stopped moving the whole ultrasound!  The candy cinnamon hearts probably contributed to that.  Then gave me heart burn.

I left the ultrasound with 7 pictures and a huge smile on my face.  My husband even took me to McDonald's for a vanilla milkshake.  There's nothing quite like having your husband indulge a craving!

Three days later, today, I had an appointment with my OB again.  How bitter-sweet.

He already had the test results.  The neural tube test came back a 1.0; healthy.  I still have a repeat blood test in 4 weeks.  He confirmed everything Melinda said, but he clarified something for me.  This something is what makes me feel uneasy.  He told me that the IUD is actually on top of the placenta, not the kind of 'on top' I thought they explained to me before.  He said that the IUD is at the top of my uterus, then the placenta is below it, then the baby in the sac is at the bottom of my uterus.

I guess I had a terrible expression on my face, because he confirmed that nothing has changed from last time, and that it's still in the same "good" position they knew of last time.  He said that of all of the places it could be, this is one of the best places.  I still wasn't feeling very good about it.  I asked about the IUD getting under the placenta and hurting it.  I guess I know nothing about these things, because he said with a slightly confused look, "but your placenta is already perfectly attached.  That just couldn't happen."  When I asked if it could irritate the placenta and cause problems, all he could do was pat my shoulder and tell me that he can't predict the future.  Not exactly the words I wanted to hear, but at least I know he's truthful.  Then he calmed me by reminding me that the baby is no where near the IUD. I'm pretty certain that this is what he is most concerned about; keeping the IUD away from the baby, not the placenta.

He laid me down and tried to find the baby's heart beat with the doppler.  He couldn't pin the baby down because it was moving around so much!  We could just start to hear the heartbeat, then there would be a whoosh-whoosh, and then nothing.  It kept moving away from the instrument.  My OB said he's not worried since that we could hear the heart beat in the background, and we certainly heard the baby moving.  We can try again at the next appointment.

I asked him my huge list of questions after that.  Is the invite still open to see him every two weeks?  Yes.  Can I still have an ultrasound every month?  Yes.  Great, because I started to panic after 4 long weeks of not hearing or seeing the baby.  I am being treated with physiotherapy for the serious ankle sprain back in October, is that going to cause a problem?  Yes, it might get worse once my body starts producing the hormone to relax my joints.  Can I do pregnant yoga?  If it's low impact, yes.  Can I still clean my house?  Surprisingly, no.  I have to slow down.  I can do maintenance, but I'm not allowed to get on my hands and knees and scrub the hell out of the floors or tubs anymore.  Sorry, hubby, you have to do the heavy lifting.  Can I finally start having sex?

NO

At least that's what is sounded like to me.  Apparently, just like cleaning, I'm supposed to keep things low impact.  At this point, I had to ask why not?  He finally explained it like this.  The IUD currently has not moved from where he wants it to stay for the pregnancy.  But he can't guarantee that it's going to stay that way.  He thinks that with too much impact, such as doing the deed, it could start to slip out of current position and pose a risk to the baby.  Once the baby gets big enough, then there will be less room and the baby's sac will pin it down just using physics.  Finally, it was explained to me in a way that made sense!  I guess so much information was thrown around at the last appointment I missed asking 'why not'.  Naturally, my next question was, can I have an orgasm?

YES!!

At least that's what is sounded like to me.  Isn't that all that really matters?  I will say no more on that subject other than Valentine's Day probably won't suck anymore.

After leaving his office with my ultrasound requisition in hand, I felt a mixed bag of emotions.  Happy because the OB is not quite upset about anything, he's still feeling the same way he did last month.  Shouldn't I feel the same way I did last month?  Since I've seen and heard the baby, and had a whole other month to love it, I feel that much more worried that something can happen.  Additionally, I thought things were one way, but they are actually a little different.  But it doesn't change the situation, so I really should relax again.

I'm telling you, this is not easy.  I have so much empathy for women who are having problems with their pregnancies, and for the women I read on BBC that have had or are having miscarriages.  Not to belittle their sadness at all, but eventually they can comfort themselves with the knowledge that something was likely wrong with their babies, and God had to take away what he gave so that he could give to them again properly.  I am not a very religious person, but I do know that He works in mysterious ways.  Regardless, I still think it is very difficult to know that your baby is healthy, that it's science that is threatening it's life.  A decision I made to prevent this life from happening is now the very thing that is threatening the life of the thing I want so dearly.  Maybe it's just another type of irony, huh?

On a happier note, here is my little nugget, all stretched out and having a blast.


I am officially 12 weeks and 1 day.  4 more weeks until I get to see nugget again.  2 more weeks to hear him whoosh.  

Sunday, February 3, 2013

My Epidural Headache Story


Recently posted this on the baby board I frequent.  It was in response to someone who told their story.  The ladies responded to her saying she was using scare tactics on first time moms, and the risk of that happening is so rare she should have kept the story to herself.  I spent time writing it out and no one wanted to hear about it.  Typical.  I deleted the story, assuming no one wanted to hear it, I am adding it here.  I will also add more details here.  Since I was trying to keep it short and sweet on the message boards.

Something ironic about posting this story here.  LOL

I just want people to be aware of the risks involved.  When they tell you that a small percentage get a "headache", they are pooh-poohing the worst and most dangerous headaches that exist.  I think was more than only 1% suffer too.  Here's my story.

I want to start by saying my first labour was great (as great as can be) and I had an epidural.  I had no side effects or any problems.  A little pain in the injection point, but nothing bad enough to mention.  I was more concerned with the tearing that was not properly stitched up.  I'm not just complaining.  I had to have some reconstruction done on my vagina after I birthed my son.  My poor vagina will never look the same.  LOL

However, with my second, things went very bad.

I waited until I really started hurting to get the epidural this time.  Not when it was convenient for the anesthesiologist.  That was probably my first mistake.  I have a feeling that she was about to take her lunch break, but popped in to see how everyone was doing before she left.  She came into  my room and did not appear to be very happy.  She read me the risks, and had me sign the paperwork.  In retrospect, I wish I had taken time to read the documents.  I feel like she was in such a rush to get things done that I was rushed to sign the papers to get it over with.  It took several attempts to get the epidural into my spine.  But once it was in, I got the standard one-hour shot in my IV, and was told that the epidural will take over in an hour.  After 45 minutes I started to feel the contractions.  The nurses did not believe that it wasn't working, and thought that I was just complaining.  They offered me the option to click an extra pump every 20 minutes, but it didn't work at all.  After a few hours or natural labour, I finally asked them to remove my urine catheter because it was very uncomfortable.  That's when they finally believed me.  The anesthesiologist came back in, in an even bigger huff, and jammed me so deep it hurt terribly.  But it finally worked.  I was itchy like crazy, and that never happened with my first labour.  Again, they thought I was exaggerating the symptoms, and offered me some Benadryl.  I declined.  I had enough of the drugs at this point.

After I delivered my son, they removed the epidural catheter from my back and I immediately had a terrible pounding headache.  I was told it was just because of the pushing.  I got some regular strength Tylenol, and a chart, and the next day I was sent home.

The next day and the day after I was in terrible pain.  I had ringing in my ears, pain so much when I would sit up or stand up.  I only felt good when I was laying down.  In Ontario we have a service called Telehealth.  After I had a long nap, I work up and felt great, until I sat up.  The pain hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was able to determine that the pain only happened when I sat up.  I had never had a headache, including vomit-inducing migraines, that couldn't go away after a good long sleep in a dark room.  I was very scared, so I called Telehealth and told the nurse.  She suggested it was an epidural headache, explained a bit about it, and suggested for me to go to the hospital.  

I packed up my 3 day old newborn went to the hospital closest to me, not where I birthed my son.  It was the same day my milk came in.  There I was, sitting in the ER with my newborn baby, trying to stay away from the sick people, crying my eyes out at the front desk for an hour.  They kept bringing me apple juice and cookies to calm me down, and finally got me in sooner since I was causing such a fit.

After meeting with this hospital's anesthesiologist, she suggested a blood patch.  Three lovely nurses held and cooed at my son while the Dr withdrew 20 cc of my own blood, and then poked it into my spine.  Instantly, my headache was gone.  I was so relieved.  She told me that despite her own specialty, she also suffered from an epidural headache.  She told me to take it easy, but don't really do anything differently.  Later that night, as I was bending over to pick up my son (only 7 lbs) I felt a strange sensation in my spine and BAM!  Headache came back in full force.

I didn't want to go through another blood patch again.  I dealt with the pain for almost a week.  It was terrible.  On top of the audio disturbances, I started to have visual disturbances.  Ringing in my ears, flashing in my outside vision,occasional deafness in my right ear.  The pain was getting worse and worse.  The day I felt like the right side of my face was getting a little numb was the day my husband called the anesthesiologist that did the blood patch.  At this point, she didn't want to be involved anymore.  She said to go back to the hospital where I birthed my son since all my birthing info was on file there and thought the other anesthesiologist should know what's happening and take accountability.  So, off to another ER.

At this hospital, the on-call anesthesiologist didn't want to repeat the blood patch.  Apparently, it's really rare to need a second one.  But after hearing my story and seeing my budding facial paralysis, he ordered another blood patch.  He was scared that since my cerebral spinal fluid was leaking out in what could only be such a fast manner, I was doing damage to my brain stem.  Basically, my brain wasn't floating in cerebral spinal fluid anymore and was now resting right on my skull.  He performed the same blood patch procedure.  I had the same relief.  I was given the same instructions.  The only difference this time was that the headache was still there, but this time it took longer to feel the same level of pain.  If I laid down, it went away, but it still came back after a few minutes.

Later that week I went to my GP for my sons first check up.  She was very concerned.  She was the only doctor to tell me that some unfortunate women get headaches for the rest of their lives because the hole can't ever close.  She told me to go home and lay supine in bed for one solid week, only getting up to pee.  He theory was that the second blood patch might have allowed some clotting, but there might have been what they call a slow leak.  She thought I needed some time to allow the scar tissue to close the hole, and I needed pain relief.  I guess laying on the table, crying in pain gave it all away. 

I'm very lucky that my best friend was able to stay and help me care for my newborn.  I wasn't allowed to do anything for myself.  I could only pee, and I had one shower that week.  My mom, my friend, my husband, they all picked up my slack and cared for me and my children.  My husband was so stressed out by everything that after the wee was up, he made himself physically sick with worry and stress.  I was useless, and popping extra strength Tylenol like it was candy.  Drinking coffee, pop, and so much water I felt swollen.  The theory is that the more water you drink, the more cerebral spinal fluid is made and helped my brain stay more floaty.  The worst part was that my 17 month old daughter stopped crying for me.  She stopped caring if I helped her to bed.  When she came in to visit me, she would look at me like a stranger, but kiss me never-the-less.  Eventually, I spent my days and night crying.  After my week in bed, I slipped into a deep deep postpartum depression and was put in Zoloft for the next 6 months.  It took a few weeks, but the depression started to fade as the pills kicked in.  I was still in pain, but it wasn't anything like it was.  I spent most of the next month sitting on the couch having a cleaning crew come in to clean for me.  My daughter wasn't very high maintenance back then.  She was happy to  suck her pacifier and watch TV with me while I nursed my newborn.  She still went to daycare a few days a week, so I felt able to focus on healing myself during the day.

In the end, it took 6-8 weeks before I stopped feeling pain.  To this day I have worsening vision only in my right eye, and my right pupil is significantly larger than my left.  My opthamologist wouldn't confirm it's from the epidural headache for liability reasons, but she says it's completely possible.  I also had lots of spinal pain from the injections.  In the end, I received 8 pokes into my spine from the various epidurals and blood patches, so there was a lot of scar tissue locking this vertebrae together.  With lots of massage therapy and acupuncture, my spine stopped hurting after about 18 months.  On some days I can still feel pinching in that area if I'm very active.

It's sad, but I can't look back on the first 2 months of my son's life without feeling very badly about it.  Needless to say, I will NOT be having an epidural this time around.  If I need to have a c-section, I will ask to be put out completely, because I will never let someone poke my spine again.  

Since this happened, I have learned that the anesthesiologists finding the sweet spot is a freaking GUESS.  An average poke for an average woman might not work for her.  Go a teeny-tad deeper and they might draw spinal fluid.  Most anesthesiologists are able to tell when they do it.  Most anesthesiologists will tell the patient.  Others, like mine, would rather the mother deal with it and just pretend it didn't happen.  They can see the cerebral spinal fluid in the needle.  Apparently it's a brownish fluid, and it's unmistakable if it comes into the clear medicine.

Some women who have epidural headaches are able to heal without intervention.  The poke could be very small and will heal on an average of 1 week after the epidural.  If the symptoms are very severe, such as with me, then they will suggest a blood patch because the hole might be quite large.

To this day I will tell everyone and anyone my story, and if it helps even one person to choose a natural birth to avoid this type of error from happening to them, then it was worth my time to tell it.  Obviously, it won't happen to everyone, but I strongly believe it happens to more than 1%.  After speaking about my experience with other women, I have met many who have also had it, as well as people who know people.  The internet is chock full of examples of it happening as well.

I also know there are way worse things that can happen from epidurals (paralysis, etc.) but this "simple headache" is something I thought I could handle when being told the risks.  It's NOT a simple headache.  It's an injury, and it can be serious.  

Thanks for reading.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Time to enjoy

I had my appointment with my OBGYN.  I brought my hubby with me in case I felt pressure to do something I wasn't 100% sure about doing, he could be my back-up.  My hubby is a joking kind of guy, but my OB is a little too Asian and doesn't quite get the subtly of his jokes.  Mind you, the last time he came with me to the OB was after I fell down the stairs, twice, while pregnant with my son.  My husband made a terrible joke about swearing he wasn't involved, so my OB sent him out of the room to ask me directly if my husband pushed me.  No, of course not.  My husband just thinks he's funny.  This time, my husband promised to try and not be funny.

After waiting an hour for my results to be faxed through, I finally got called into the office.  The OB basically confirmed everything that the ultrasound tech told me.  He said that the IUD is soft plastic and is laying flat between the sac and the placenta.  He confirmed that the placenta is soft and squishy and will take the impact of the IUD, even if the baby gets big enough to start kicking it.  It was explained that the IUD is not likely to move from where it is placed right now, especially as the pregnancy progresses because the baby and placenta will only get bigger and just press the IUD deeper into the placenta.  This is usually when you hear stories about the IUD coming out with the placenta during birth.  He said that I can't make it move if I sit in a funny position, which is good, because I like to sit funny sometimes.  There are a lot of ways that the IUD could have ended up inside with the baby.  It could be half embedded in one of my body parts, causing it to stick out in a pointy manner.  It could be free in my uterus next to the sac with the ability to move around and butt up against the placenta.  Worse yet, it could have ended up between my placenta and uterus, causing potential abruption.  There are a million other things that could have gone wrong, but haven't.  He told me that he is not worried right now.  He's so not worried that he isn't even considering me a high risk pregnancy, just an unusual pregnancy.  He still wants me to have monthly ultrasounds, and to see him more often than usual.

The craziest thing he told me is that he considers the riskiest part of the pregnancy to already be over.  The IUD is meant to prevent the sperm from reaching the egg.  The secondary use is to prevent implantation.  The last use it to generally make the uterus an inhospitable place for a baby to start growing.  I am already past all of those benchmarks.  The egg fertilized, implanted, and grew into an embryo, ignoring the IUD completely.

I told him something my mom told me.  How in the 80s, if a woman became pregnant with an IUD, the doctor basically told her, "Hey, it failed.  It's in there too.  So...you're pregnant!  See you for your next regular check up."  She said that it wasn't considered a big deal.  I woman either carried a baby to term, or she had a miscarriage.  The IUD was never treated like a big deal, and a woman just went about being pregnant.  The OB laughed and said he agrees.  He's not a holistic kind of person, but he told me that if a person is stressed out and acting like a dinosaur is chasing them, then the body reacts by rejecting a baby since it thinks the world is not a safe place for a baby right now.  But relaxed people who have all the food and no dinosaurs are best able to sustain healthy pregnancies because their bodies know it's a great time to have a baby.  He talked a lot about how the world today is far too "cerebral" since we have all of the information in the world at our fingertips.  He said it's time to relax and enjoy being pregnant again.  But, it's not a good idea to pretend the IUD isn't a factor, because I should be aware of miscarriage and early labour.  I got to hear what a miscarriage feels like, and if before 24 weeks I'm to go to the ER.  If after 24 weeks I have labour cramping or if I'm leaking water, I am to go to L&D at the hospital.

In the meantime, he gave me all of the paperwork needed to have my IPS test done at 12 weeks, and to start the regular testing done on my blood because of my borderline IPT.  We talked about having a medication-free birth this time because of my epidural headache/spinal injury last time.  He said that may pose a small problem because he might need to - ick - fish around inside after birth to find the IUD if it doesn't come out right away, and that might hurt.  But, he said if that's the case, we can worry about it after the baby is born.  He never much liked me having an epidural anyways because of my IPT blood condition.  

Anyhow.  I am doing as he said and I am just being pregnant now.  I'm still not telling anyone outside of my close family and best friends.  The OB suggested waiting until 16 weeks before doing that.  But he suggests 16 weeks for everyone, just to be on the safe side. Oh boy.  That's 5 more weeks!  It's so hard to stay quiet when you're so happy!

And that's where I am now.  My next ultrasound isn't for another week.  I don't like having to wait so long to see if the baby is doing well.  But I'm 99% sure I can already feel the baby moving!  It's my 3rd pregnancy and I can feel something that is certainly not gas.  This is also my first pregnancy where my placenta is in the back and the baby implanted in the front.  I don't have to wait until the baby is strong enough to kick into the placenta in order to feel it.  It's great, and it's my only saving grace.  Now, I can't feel it all day every day, just after sweet or cold food/drink.  And it's mostly just a tickle, not a kick.  Like if a walnut was rolling around in circles.  You can't really help but feel something weird like that!  I'm also starting to show.  It's going to be hard to hide that from nosier people.  Lastly, my morning sickness is starting to subside.  I still need to sleep a little more than usual, and enjoy my afternoon nap, but at least I don't feel like I'm going to wretch any time I get even remotely hungry.  This is my most symptom-full pregnancy.  I love it.

The last thing I want to say is that I finally found a baby forum where I feel welcome.  It's still fraught with drama, but I don't mind.  I'm pretty good at holding my own on the internet.  I've even been invited to a few Facebook baby groups.  Hey, why not?  I'm supposed to be enjoying this pregnancy, right?  

I hope to start adding entries here about thing not IUD pregnancy related.  I've already wanted to add a few, but having two needy kids, one in the throws of being 3 1/2 year old, and the other who is not even 2 but already in the throws of being 3 1/2.  Needless to say, I have little time, and what time I do have, I'm using to watch old episodes of Bones and sleeeeeeping.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

My Friend and Other People's Feelings

I wanted to add to the last gigantic entry the resolution with my friend.  Especially since I'm sure she will end up reading my blog since it was her idea that I start one anyway.

I sent her a picture of the ultrasound picture as the first real communication since the awkward one about aborting my baby.  Her reply wasn't even close to upbeat, so I knew she was still feeling weird about the whole situation.  We talked shortly after and she kept saying that she wanted to be the one person who was giving me the straight facts, like my OBGYN, since it seemed like everyone else was sugar coating things.  I told her that no matter what negative thing she says to me, I have read it online, and I have told myself that same thing a hundred times just today.  It was baffling to me how my upbeat and positive friend was being so pessimistic and trying to urge me to consider an abortion.  I was shocked to say the least.

Eventually she told me that her main concern is for my life.  She was under the impression that if something goes wrong with the pregnancy I am going to die.  I said to myself, "WTF?  Is this the 1800s?  Maybe my friend did not do as much reading on this subject as she says she did."  That's when I laid out the risks as they were laid out to me.  Aside from the risk of sepsis from infection, all of the risks lay with the baby.  And I will be under the constant care of my OBGYN because of the rarity of my pregnancy.  If I start to feel sick, I'm fairly certain that the first thing they will check is for infection.  She even asked if Dave and I talked about what to do if it came down to choosing my life over the baby's life.  I already know, not because of a recent discussion, but because of that stupid movie with Demi Moore.  He would choose to save my life.  As he says, 'We can always make more babies, but our children need a mother.'

After our conversation, I realized what it is all about.  She is as scared of losing the baby as I am.  She doesn't want to have to go to a funeral for a stillborn baby.  Obviously, no one wants to.  I can understand that if she were in my shoes she would probably have a very difficult time deciding to keep or abort.  For me, the decision is easy.  When it's someone else's baby, even mine, she would support the decision to have a little pain now rather than enormous pain later.  Also, she kind of did think it was the 1800s and a late-term miscarriage could mean the loss of the mother too.  I cleared that up for her too.  At least I hope I did.

Today, she has been a lot more upbeat with exclamations in her emails about the baby.  She told me that she now wants to tell everyone about my pregnancy because of how happy it is to be having another baby.  I know she will respect my wishes to wait if that's what I'm going to do.

I'm glad that her and I were able to talk about it in a mature way.  I know too many people who wouldn't be able to do that sort of thing, which makes me appreciate her that much more.  I just wish that I didn't have to worry about her feelings and reactions about this.  But it's probably something I'm going to have to get used to.  It's kind of a mixed bag of emotions for anyone involved.  As it is, my husband's mother hasn't called to say anything even though he told his father.  But I have to be sensitive to the fact that she lost a child to SIDS and is probably having a hard time sorting out her own feelings.  At least she isn't projecting her feelings on to me.  Which is why I haven't told my insensitive borderline personality disorder step-mother.

My friend is coming by tonight for dinner.  Hopefully she makes it up to me by ordering us all Chinese food.  Joking!  Or am I?


Pregnant with IUD

What is the true reason I am writing this blog?

I am pregnant.  9 weeks along.  So what?  Lots of women are pregnant.  Well, how many women are pregnant with an IUD in place?  Not nearly as many, that's for sure.  I am pregnant with IUD.

IUDs are 99% effective at preventing pregnancy.  Here's a little information if you care:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IUD_with_copper

That's the type of IUD I have.  I had it since September 2011.  One year and 2 months later, it decided not to work anymore.  No one is sure how it stopped working or why.  Apparently, I am very fertile.

This is the real reason I am starting this blog.  Because I want a place where I can tell the story about my little IUD baby, the good or the bad.  Also because I am getting next to no support from various popular baby/pregnancy websites and forums.  I'm tired of having to shorten my story in hopes of making a friend in a similar situation as mine.  It's rare to be pregnant with an IUD, it's even more rare to have to keep the IUD in for the duration of the pregnancy.

The chances of miscarriage is 50/50 in my second trimester.  Those are pretty crappy odds considering that is double the chance of a regular pregnancy.  I have read a lot of very sad stories about IUD pregnancies on forums all over the internet.  I've also read a lot of wonderful stories.  I don't know where I will end up, but regardless, I will need a place to get all my feelings out.  Hopefully I can help provide information to other women out there who find themselves pregnant with an IUD.  Here is what has happened so far.

*********

My AF was late in November (almost 2 weeks overdue).  I checked the strings out of paranoia, and there they were.  Had my AF, and drank a bottle of wine.  A month later, no AF, so I assumed that I was having another late month.  I read online that the IUD can cause irregular periods, so I went with it.

2 weeks late was Christmas.  I wasn't worried.  After all, it was a safe assumption that I was on a longer cycle from the IUD.  After New Years, I was still curious why I was now a whole month late.  Still, I have an IUD, can't possibly be pregnant.  I had been more tired than usual, but that was probably just from the holidays.  I was feeling nausea for a few days, but maybe I'm coming down with the flu that is going around.   But the day I left a physiotherapy appointment I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some dinner.  Nothing sounded appetizing, just chocolate milk.  I grabbed a card board pizza, chocolate milk, and a pregnancy test.  Because I never crave chocolate milk, and pizza is my favorite food.

Using the pee from the 2 huge glasses of chocolate milk, I tested.  Positive.  WTH?  My hubby told me all about chemical pregnancies.  I hoped that what it was.  I tested again in the morning.  If it's at all possible, it was more positive than the night before.  I immediately called my GP who originally put the IUD in.  Of course, not a single person was available to help.  It was January 4th.  Most doctors were still on vacation.  The on-call doctor didn't bother to see me.  She immediately sent me to the local hospital for an ultrasound.  She said seeing her wouldn't change things, it would just drag things on, and we needed to act quickly.

At the hospital, I joked with the ultrasound tech that we should play the lottery.  She said not to bother, she sees this more often than she should.  Of course she wouldn't tell me any details other than it is very small, and the IUD is there.

That next Monday, my GP called me.  She said everything except "I'm sorry."  She told me the ultrasound says the IUD is perfectly in place.  That the baby is about 6 weeks.  Everything is still too small to know exactly where everything is.  It's time to see the OBGYN who delivered my two babies.  She already booked me for that next Friday, January 11.  She didn't have anything else to offer except that she knows she put it in place properly to begin with, that an ultrasound confirmed that.  She asked me if I was happy I was pregnant, or if I wanted to consider termination.  I want to keep it if I'm lucky not to miscarry.

On the Friday I visited my OBGYN.  Here is what he told me, more or less in the same confusing order.

  • Congratulations.  This is rare, but he's seen it a few times.  None of the IUDs he placed, of course.
  • 50/50 chance of miscarriage in the second trimester.
  • Chance for infection causing sepsis.
  • Chance that the IUD breaks the water and causes preterm labour.
  • Chance that the pregnancy will miscarry for no discernible reason.
  • Very rare chance that the IUD could touch the baby and stick to it, causing birth defects.
  • Chance that nothing could happen at all.  Women have babies with IUDs left in since the beginning of IUDs.  His own wife is an IUD baby, and he has delivered several IUD babies.
  • He recommends removing the IUD.  The previous ultrasound shows it's in place, so he wants to try.  But it's up to me.  In light of all of the potential problems.  
  • If he removes the IUD, then he could take the baby out with it, snagging the sac.  But if he doesn't, then I will have a perfectly healthy pregnancy. 
  • But there is a high possibility of miscarriage, so it's up to me.  Do I want to think about it over the weekend?  He would need to see me on Monday with my decision.
  • If I was 12 weeks along, for example, we would not be having this discussion because it would be safer to leave the IUD in place.
  • If I do miscarry, I could always have another baby.  And on my own terms.
So....what do you want to do?  Well, I want a healthy pregnancy, and I don't want a risky pregnancy.  I'm feeling brave right now.  Let's DO IT.

Suffice to say, after fishing around in the lower end of my cervix with the creepiest medical pliers I've ever seen, he couldn't find the wires.  Suddenly, that changed things.  The OBGYN told me that if the strings were not available, it's likely that the IUD retracted up in my uterus, and it's not likely to be below the sac.  But he wants to send me for an ultrasound as soon as possible to figuring out the positioning of the fetus and the IUD.  Then he actually told me that if I wanted to abort the baby then he has no judgement.  He also told me that if I wanted to keep the baby, he won't judge that either.  He reminded me again that there are many healthy babies born with IUDs, including his own wife.  He told me to go home and discuss "what ifs" with my husband all weekend.  He set me up on the spot with an ultrasound with his favorite tech at his favorite diagnostic imaging lab for that next Tuesday, and set me up to see him that next Thursday.

I got in my car feeling totally bummed.  It was like he teased me with this chance at having a healthy pregnancy and then took it away, leaving me with risks and the memory of all of the terrible stories I read on the internet about late-term miscarriages from IUD pregnancies.  It's terrible practice, but I cried the whole drive home.  Not the best state of mind to be driving on the highway, but I couldn't help it.  My husband was working from home, and our brand-new babysitter was doing her first shift with us, and I needed to get home where it was safe.  (The babysitter was hired to watch my kids while I go to all of these appointments.)  I imagined the baby inside me as a combination of my much loved son and daughter.  This perfect little baby with a turned-up button nose and tiny lips and perfect little toes.  Then I started thinking that there was this deadly object floating around stuck to my perfect baby.  I imagined the IUD was lodged in my uterus sticking out at weird angles waiting for my perfect baby to get big enough to wiggle too close and be killed by it.  By some dumb medical intervention that was supposed to magically trick sperm into running away.  By something I thought was outsmarting nature.  I saw it as my fault.  I imagined the worst, delivering a perfectly healthy but stillborn baby.  I cried and cried.  I even thought I wanted a miscarriage right then just to get it all over with.  Of course that made me cry even harder, because it wasn't really true.  I had already become attached to this perfect little baby.

When I got home, I walked in to see the new babysitter drinking coffee with my husband.  I couldn't keep a straight face, I just broke down in tears.  I believe this is the moment the new babysitter, who I only hired that day, became my friend.  She held me in a tight, tight hug, and then told me that her first baby was an IUD baby.  She told me that despite all of the terrible things they told her, she birthed a healthy daughter, and then passed the IUD 6 weeks postpartum.  She hugged me and told me to do what I felt was best for me and the baby.

Ironically, my closest friend provided me with opposite advice.  And I quote, directly from her text:  "I hate to say this over text - but as your friend I have to say that it's time to prepare for an abortion.  It breaks my heart, but I don't know if you'll survive the alternative."  What does that even mean?  I didn't talk to her for days.  What a terrible thing to say when you don't have enough information to even have an educated opinion about the subject.  Also, easy to say when you've never been pregnant.

That night, my husband told me that he supports any decision I make, but he hopes I will let nature take it's course.  I told him I can't abort what could be a perfect little baby.  How could I live with myself?  I already know what our babies look like.  This one won't look much different.  I couldn't voluntarily end it's life just as it's beginning, especially if it could have been a totally fine pregnancy.

It was a tough weekend.  But we got through it.  And then suddenly it was Tuesday.  I imagine it was the first of many days of reckoning.  It was the day they were going to be able to see where everything is situated.

As I waited in the waiting room, I listened to a man talk on and on about American politics and health care system, and he had his audience in rapture.  I was in no mood to listen to this Republican rhetoric, even though I am a Canadian Conservative party supporter.  Then they called him, and what I learned were his wife's Canadian parents, into the ultrasound room.  The sounds of joy and laughter came pouring out of the room.  She's having twins!  Two small and perfectly happy 12 week twins!  How nice for her.  Seriously, I wouldn't wish what I was going through on anybody.  I was sitting there waiting to have an ultrasound to determine the potential survival of my fetus.  I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.  The best part was when they came out of the room while she was dressing and they were so happy, they just had to tell me.  I was the only person in the waiting room, and I was supposed to jump up and down with them and celebrate their two healthy fetuses.  All I could muster was a halfhearted and half-sarcastic congratulations.  It took all of me to not say "Congratulations!  Now wish me luck that my baby isn't dead!!"  But then they would remember that for the rest of their lives.  That wouldn't be fair.

The ultrasound tech, who I will now refer to as Melinda, called me into the room.  She read the requisition and her eyebrows just about flew off the top of her head.  What do they want me to do, she asked me.  Figure out where the baby is in my uterus, and then figure out where the IUD is in relation to it.  Also, if they were to dig deeper for the IUD strings, would it take the baby with it.  She began the test.  As she started, I told her that I trusted her since with my second pregnancy she discovered that my son had calcifications on his liver at 20 weeks, and that she suggested a new due date because the dating ultrasound was way wrong. I told her that all worked out with the spots, they were harmless, and that he was born on the date she suggested.  I guess that was just enough compliments for Melinda because she dropped her professional demeanor and became very friendly and chatty.  She turned the screen so I could see everything, and she explained it all to me.  She also told me not to tell the OBGYN any of her suggestions because she could get in big trouble for what she was about to tell me.  Because it was opinion based on her experience rather than fact based on science.  In no particular order, this is what she told me:
  • The baby is 9 weeks old.  It's heart beat is very nice, and it's a very healthy pregnancy.
  • The placenta is attached to my uterus already, and it looks healthy.  
  • The IUD is not in the sac with the baby.  The baby is "fluid".
  • The IUD is not embedded in my cervix, it's not embedded in my uterus, it's not between the placenta and the uterus, it's not on a funny angle.
  • The IUD is flattened between the placenta and the sac.  
  • My uterus is slightly tilted, which could explain why the strings are not visible.  It could also explain why the IUD stopped working.
  • If the OBGYN were to find the strings then he will terminate the pregnancy.  If he had found them on Friday, he would have terminated the pregnancy then too.
Melinda told me she doesn't really know about IUDs and pregnancy.  But once we started talking about what the OBGYN told me, and a little about what I read on the internet, she said that it sounds like the IUD is maybe in a good place for now.  I told her that I was feeling some stabbing pains on my right side of my pelvis, I am worried that the IUD is causing me pain.  Melinda laughed a little and told me that I have a Corpus Luteal, or Cyst of Pregnancy.  She said not many women get them, but the ones that do are lucky.  The cyst pumps progesterone into the pregnancy reducing the odds of miscarriage.  I remember with both of my other pregnancies I was told I had a harmless cyst.  She said that just proves how incredibly fertile I am.  Then we talked a little about the placenta.  She said that if the IUD is cushioned between the placenta and the sac, so long as it doesn't move, then the IUD might become embedded into the squishy placenta to protect the sac.  Or, the pressure from the growing sac might just pin the flattened IUD against the placenta for the duration of the pregnancy.  She said that was all wishes and what ifs, but what she said, woman to woman, is that I shouldn't let any doctor convince me to remove the IUD, or terminate the pregnancy.  She said that she has a good feeling about the pregnancy since it is so strong and healthy for now.  And how the baby survived his poking at my cervix already, it's already proving to be one tough cookie.  She even gave me a few pictures of the baby to take home.  

I understand that the 'feelings' of an ultrasound tech are not medically sound, but I also know that she does ultrasounds on pregnancies all day long, 5 days a week.  She probably has a good gut instinct on which babies might miscarry naturally, which ones are growing slowly, and which ones already have defects.  It's her job to see and capture these things.  And my OBGYN is known to be one of the best in his city, and if he sent me to the us tech he trusts the most, then I trust her too.  She can't know anything for sure, no one ever does, even in regular pregnancies.  But I will follow her advice and I will "Live and let God.'

*******

I realize this blog entry is getting very long.  It's taken me an entire nap time to write it.  I just hope a little that someone else out there who might be going through the same things as me sees it and gets something from it. I read a thread on a pregnancy board from 3 years ago posted by a woman who was pregnant with an IUD.  She wanted to share her positive experience since all she could find at that time were negative experiences.  She had some spotting through her pregnancy; some spotting they couldn't explain.  But overall the pregnancy was shown to be healthy.  A week later she went for her 18 week gender scan they found that the baby had died within the past 24 hours.  There was no warning.  She commented on her own post about the baby's passing, and she was obviously devastated.  It broke my heart and my spirit to read her story.  But as I went on through the thread, I saw that other IUD pregnant mothers were coming out to tell of their fears and stories.  This very courageous woman kept checking her thread and ended up being the voice of reassurance and advice for all of these other mothers pregnant with IUDs.  I was so very impressed with her.  Her name was Falconflock.  Unfortunately, the thread automatically locked after 90 days, so I didn't get to see any resolution from the other pregnant mothers.  If Falconflock comes across my blog, I want her to know how much I appreciate what she did 3 years ago.  Her old words of wisdom and experience made a difference to me.  She will never know just how much her words inspired and terrified me, but she will be in my heart this entire pregnancy, no matter when or how it will end.  But hopefully in a perfect baby with a turned-up button nose, little lips, and perfect toes.

I hope to be the same beacon of hope for other mothers, regardless of my outcome as well.

********

Last thing I want to say is that most stories I have read on the internet about pregnancy losses usually had spotting from the beginning.  Most women weren't aware they were pregnant until much later because they assumed the spotting was an irregular period, and by the time they found out, they miscarried.  There have been a few stories about healthy pregnancies that suddenly ended unexpectedly.  There was also another story I read of a woman who spotted in first trimester, actually gushed blood during her second trimester, and then found out that the IUD was irritating the placenta but in the end she had placenta previa.  She gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby despite bleeding her entire pregnancy.

In real life, I was told of only one story of a woman who lost her baby at the 20 week mark.  Otherwise, I have found out that my mother's friend had an IUD baby, my babysitter has an IUD baby, my own cousin was born holding the IUD.  I know that last one is an exaggeration, but she was an IUD baby.  An internet pen pal I have, her sister had an IUD baby.  And let's not forget that my OBGYN's wife was an IUD baby, and he's birthed 4 IUD babies in his career, not one loss.  Though he did say he lost some babies taking the IUD out.

Thanks for reading.  By the way, I have my results appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow morning.  This time my husband is coming with me in case the OBGYN pressures me about something again.  I'm not very impressed that I was willing to make such a snap decision about the life of my child just because of a very well worded speech.  Suffice to say, I'm very glad he will be coming with me tomorrow.